Mary Oliver & Me

To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it;and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go. ~Mary Oliver

Hell is reserved in times of trouble , do nothing ..

As a 37 year old homemaker and mother of 3 children , and a very stress filled life, I developed

a severe physical condition , that was treated with a highly addictive prescription of which I am

sure my country doctor was as ignorant of as I.. Within days I was so involuntarily addicted and

so stressed that unconsciously I took 5 tabs a day for a 12 day period and I experienced a

chemically induced nervous breakdown , which was experienced by my highly sensitive and

creative son , who was by God , home that day and saved my life. I was in therapy, alone

as was most of my life and directed to go to the ER and was accessed by a psychiatrist, who

noted my “autistic like” sensory … I was a live wire and plugged in and I knew the presence of

angels and I also knew evil . I was acutely aware that the unhealed sexually abused 5 year old me

required healing but not one therapist saw the necessity . In that unhealed child , I had no inner

guidance and very little at home as the eldest of a woman who had much unhealed and much

shame and no voice . Dad was forced to make a living driving , and was an passionate , strong

and loving nurturer magnified after my near death , 3 days after my birth . As he exited he

laminated his parenting and I assured him , to me he was the best teacher ; I always knew his

anger was lack of support and nurture and unhealed childhood trauma …I am instinctive .

13 years of medications prescribed for bipolar manic depression , was the healing offered me

by a Pez dispensing , diseased psychiatrist, whom I was unaware had noted “martial difficulties”

as an Axis ll in “my” mental illness , ignoring the involuntary prescription addition, referred to

me as “Histrionic”.

That I survived is a true miracle, for the most dark and dank , negative discriminating lessons

of shame , blame and isolation , I was alone in Hell on earth , that had a huge impact on our

sons, and both parents were MIA during the most vulnerable years . Of course they knew

shame and lacked guidance, and I was so ill physically , mentally in a spiritual void that was

living death.

After 5 years , he exited to be happy, and a year later suddenly had time for his sons , and his

plans became cohesive . I was removed from our home, he decided what was his and what

he allowed me and the domestic abuse became alienation of me in any way shape or form as

our sons were told I chose to be medicated to escape mothering responsibilities.. That I did not

want to be their Mom any longer , that I was fat , lazy and crazy , and did not deserve their love

or respect.

Recovery brought up so many issues , and many legal and medical irregularities that remain

after 7 court dates and 9 years . Finally the “alleged” Domestic Abuse was entered after

repeated demands for my physical address of which he has no right but much concern that

I might me living with a man , which would allow him to revoke his meager SS after 1 year.

Judge: “No you cannot have her address’

The projection by some folks that you think and live like they do. A narcissistic gaslights

who emotionally assaults , infecting his subject with toxic feelings of insecurity and worth-

lessness to boost his ego and more over control .

It is a no win , where I did nothing right, there was never any respect, compassion nor equality

as “his” wife. Thus our sons are “his” despite “uncle daddy” , dropping in an out of their lives

their own trauma of Mom going MIA and acting weird at ages 11, 8 and 6 and Dad was their

savior …had the power and the money and the anger that did not please him when I mirrored

back his darkness …. I had to be prescription medicated to achieve that state , which only

increased my unhealed areas as I accepted my unworthiness for having married a Peter Pan Man,

which is acknowledged by his favorite slogan , Growing old is mandatory, growing up is

optional . The speed of our union negated a whole lot of background information ; I have

never seen a photo of him as an infant .

So, all these years, healed as much as a Mom who is targeted to be hated , reviled by her children

their spouses and children and extended family and fronds.. Anyone who chooses to be in his

life , must treat me as dead .. The after shocks for our sons , and I who are trying for “normal”

lives with this huge monster mash of lies , hurts and wounding words , triggers that are no less

than chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder . That indeed , hampers any attemp to move past

this , because it is child abuse. That ignorance in family law and law enforcement and medicine

has made ever effort abusing the scientific proof that DNA of sons is in the brain of the Mom for

life. Advised at birth to genital mutilate her son via circumcision , a deep psychological trauma

lay dormant , like a land mine.. Witness the devaluation in home and in society of Mother

and the competitive , critical judges that hellishly becomes a robe that again denies .

Alienated children are abused , and that stigma of shame is incapacitating , and often leads to

abuses in the mental health area due to following the non scientific dictates of the DSM .

The Living Bereavement of being abused professionally , in any effort to stand against abuses

when your children are brainwashed , no less in what I refer to as the committee , a former

“Moonie” refers to as a “cult” , and a priest calls immoral.

Gratefully I am working with professionals and targeted parents who are ready to act.

I don’t allow the “silent act” , rage, gaslighting, projection , twisting of information,

manipulation or his victim-hood touch me.. Our sons know this routine well, and in our

stress filled , detached world , I am finally supported in attachment and consciousness in

parenting.

As a result I will not contact our sons during the holidays , as that last in family Christmas

was so traumatic , the next year he was in her family, the message made clear… she made him

happy…as he withdrew all support and family, stripping me bare , shaming me and our sons

this is a message of reclamation, of never ending love , and of forgiveness

Creating a new life, does not white wash the past , of not responding , of choosing hellish

darkness for fear of the “light” when children are concerned …

I will be posting hopeful news over these 12 days of Christmas .. Releasing energies that could

get trippy during the holidaz , NOW , could save some trauma/anger later . Tears are as releasing

as laughter..

Blessings & Peace

Dona Luna

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