To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it;and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go. ~Mary Oliver
Hell is reserved in times of trouble , do nothing ..
As a 37 year old homemaker and mother of 3 children , and a very stress filled life, I developed
a severe physical condition , that was treated with a highly addictive prescription of which I am
sure my country doctor was as ignorant of as I.. Within days I was so involuntarily addicted and
so stressed that unconsciously I took 5 tabs a day for a 12 day period and I experienced a
chemically induced nervous breakdown , which was experienced by my highly sensitive and
creative son , who was by God , home that day and saved my life. I was in therapy, alone
as was most of my life and directed to go to the ER and was accessed by a psychiatrist, who
noted my “autistic like” sensory … I was a live wire and plugged in and I knew the presence of
angels and I also knew evil . I was acutely aware that the unhealed sexually abused 5 year old me
required healing but not one therapist saw the necessity . In that unhealed child , I had no inner
guidance and very little at home as the eldest of a woman who had much unhealed and much
shame and no voice . Dad was forced to make a living driving , and was an passionate , strong
and loving nurturer magnified after my near death , 3 days after my birth . As he exited he
laminated his parenting and I assured him , to me he was the best teacher ; I always knew his
anger was lack of support and nurture and unhealed childhood trauma …I am instinctive .
13 years of medications prescribed for bipolar manic depression , was the healing offered me
by a Pez dispensing , diseased psychiatrist, whom I was unaware had noted “martial difficulties”
as an Axis ll in “my” mental illness , ignoring the involuntary prescription addition, referred to
me as “Histrionic”.
That I survived is a true miracle, for the most dark and dank , negative discriminating lessons
of shame , blame and isolation , I was alone in Hell on earth , that had a huge impact on our
sons, and both parents were MIA during the most vulnerable years . Of course they knew
shame and lacked guidance, and I was so ill physically , mentally in a spiritual void that was
After 5 years , he exited to be happy, and a year later suddenly had time for his sons , and his
plans became cohesive . I was removed from our home, he decided what was his and what
he allowed me and the domestic abuse became alienation of me in any way shape or form as
our sons were told I chose to be medicated to escape mothering responsibilities.. That I did not
want to be their Mom any longer , that I was fat , lazy and crazy , and did not deserve their love
Recovery brought up so many issues , and many legal and medical irregularities that remain
after 7 court dates and 9 years . Finally the “alleged” Domestic Abuse was entered after
repeated demands for my physical address of which he has no right but much concern that
I might me living with a man , which would allow him to revoke his meager SS after 1 year.
Judge: “No you cannot have her address’
The projection by some folks that you think and live like they do. A narcissistic gaslights
who emotionally assaults , infecting his subject with toxic feelings of insecurity and worth-
lessness to boost his ego and more over control .
It is a no win , where I did nothing right, there was never any respect, compassion nor equality
as “his” wife. Thus our sons are “his” despite “uncle daddy” , dropping in an out of their lives
their own trauma of Mom going MIA and acting weird at ages 11, 8 and 6 and Dad was their
savior …had the power and the money and the anger that did not please him when I mirrored
back his darkness …. I had to be prescription medicated to achieve that state , which only
increased my unhealed areas as I accepted my unworthiness for having married a Peter Pan Man,
which is acknowledged by his favorite slogan , Growing old is mandatory, growing up is
optional . The speed of our union negated a whole lot of background information ; I have
never seen a photo of him as an infant .
So, all these years, healed as much as a Mom who is targeted to be hated , reviled by her children
their spouses and children and extended family and fronds.. Anyone who chooses to be in his
life , must treat me as dead .. The after shocks for our sons , and I who are trying for “normal”
lives with this huge monster mash of lies , hurts and wounding words , triggers that are no less
than chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder . That indeed , hampers any attemp to move past
this , because it is child abuse. That ignorance in family law and law enforcement and medicine
has made ever effort abusing the scientific proof that DNA of sons is in the brain of the Mom for
life. Advised at birth to genital mutilate her son via circumcision , a deep psychological trauma
lay dormant , like a land mine.. Witness the devaluation in home and in society of Mother
and the competitive , critical judges that hellishly becomes a robe that again denies .
Alienated children are abused , and that stigma of shame is incapacitating , and often leads to
abuses in the mental health area due to following the non scientific dictates of the DSM .
The Living Bereavement of being abused professionally , in any effort to stand against abuses
when your children are brainwashed , no less in what I refer to as the committee , a former
“Moonie” refers to as a “cult” , and a priest calls immoral.
Gratefully I am working with professionals and targeted parents who are ready to act.
I don’t allow the “silent act” , rage, gaslighting, projection , twisting of information,
manipulation or his victim-hood touch me.. Our sons know this routine well, and in our
stress filled , detached world , I am finally supported in attachment and consciousness in
As a result I will not contact our sons during the holidays , as that last in family Christmas
was so traumatic , the next year he was in her family, the message made clear… she made him
happy…as he withdrew all support and family, stripping me bare , shaming me and our sons
this is a message of reclamation, of never ending love , and of forgiveness
Creating a new life, does not white wash the past , of not responding , of choosing hellish
darkness for fear of the “light” when children are concerned …
I will be posting hopeful news over these 12 days of Christmas .. Releasing energies that could
get trippy during the holidaz , NOW , could save some trauma/anger later . Tears are as releasing
Blessings & Peace