Eldest son’s dorm phone number is in one of my old journals . While his 1st year , like his Dad’s was party time to the point of bad grades (ex was booted out, but states he graduated 4 years in all references ) , son lost Dad’s financial support , when as he told me a few years ago that his check was torn up in his face …He was and is brilliant , and as a gifted writer and a old soul, he like me has experienced life lessons in extremes…
I don’t recall conversations, but I do recall calling , him .
Middle son wasn’t so far away , and I visited him once that I recall. We went out to eat . He was demanding of expensive cloths and acquired a nickname for his styling manner.
It was scary , because my judgment in driving to places unknown to me tested me in my state of involuntary addiction and never knowing when the trigger might occur , It was more important to see my child than over worry about myself . I was allowed to see him graduate and was shamed to the point of not even being asked if I was interested in a water as the “as a Christian” ex law pulled out a feast of tail gate she had brought for the celebration .. I used the bathroom , shamed and knowing they were enjoying it, I got in my car and drove home , alone …
3rd son had a near death experience his 1st 9 weeks , at college, when his lung blew out , he was hospitalized and recovery was slow , for as they pumped one lung was filled the other blew . He was forced to drop out and attend community college until the next year and then he graduated and has done well . I was not informed or if I was I was so triggered I have NO recall, for I was not allowed to see him until he was mobile and he took off his shirt to show me his scars … he thinks I failed him in that ….I cannot imagine how scary it might have been to be so close to death , and not have his Mom call or visit . The boundary set by Dad and partner became his .
*Dad calls on Sunday.. none of the other kids Mom’s are calling… still no communication .
Youngest shared his wish to come live with me for the summer after his 1st year and how he wanted a St Bernard.. wow I replied they sure eat a lot…. the next time I talked to him he laughed at me as if he had never said ….
I was not allowed to attend his college graduation , due he said , that I had not helped in paying for it …I never saw him at his school…less that 1/2 a dozen times in 12 years .
Daily grief, triggers , waves of sadness science tells me is their DNA in my brain and body beyond intuition …has become ‘normal’ for this Mom .