So many people ask me after leaving the narcissist and beginning No Contact, “When is the pain going to end?”
This is a universal question, and one that defies all logic.
You see, it isn’t normal. If it were normal, after escaping horrific abuse, you would feel relief.
But nothing could be further from the truth.
There are so many addictive aspects of being tied up in narcissistic abuse, which you can read about in my article Trauma Bonding – Is it Love or Something Else? By reading this article you will realise that your body has to literally detoxify the addiction to the narcissist, the pain, and the addiction in trying to receive normality from insanity.
So back to the question “When is the pain going to stop?”
The answer: The pain will ease when you start regaining yourself.
Let me lay out for you in steps the way to do this.
Step 1: Get Clear on What a Narcissist is.
By doing so, you can start to realise that the person who was your partner is not a person who you can have a healthy love relationship with.
At this point – this is going to be a mental decision, it is very true that your entire cellular addiction (your emotions) want to ‘find a way’ to justify, to try, to fix and to hang on.
The fact is you can’t – and this is why you have to get very clear, so that you know the direction that you need to take yourself – which is forward and out of this relationship.
Step 2: Establish Your Part in This.
This is in no way suggesting ‘blame’. This is about understanding that you lost yourself, that you were holding the narcissist responsible for your wellbeing, and that you allowed the abuse to insidiously tear down your emotions and your life – whilst you were hanging in there trying to create sanity out of insanity.
You need to make it a mission to understand WHY?
This step is ESSENTIAL.
If you continue to be the victim and keep the focus on ‘what the narcissist did to me’ without you turning your focus into yourself – then the pain is NOT going to cease!
At this point – your pondering and investigation of self is going to pull your focus away from the pain of ‘what happened to you’.
In fact as soon as you start putting your focus on yourself, it is like taking your burning hand away from the flame. Yes it will still smoulder, but the intense agony is relieved. And the existing burn can start to heal. If you keep focused on ‘what the narcissist did’, without turning your focus inward, the burn just gets worse and worse.
Step 3: Take Your Focus off Researching the ‘Monster’ and Put All Your Effort Into Healing Yourself.
Okay so now, this is where you have to get down to business, and this business is about healing yourself. As they say in Alcoholics Anonymous – “Nothing changes if nothing changes”. This especially applies to recovery from narcissistic abuse.
This is not a case of ‘time heals all wounds’. The wounds are so severe that they need your diligent attention in order to recover.
I always advocate that body work is the best solution. If you feel like you can’t do it alone, my suggestions are the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (it can be trialed for free) or book a 1-on-1 Quanta Freedom Healing. These solutions will grant you cellular relief from the addiction. Then in the meantime bring as much awareness into your being and real life experience so that you can apply a different way regarding the co-dependency, childhood programming and lack of adequate boundaries that led you to being abused by a narcissist.
Stop reading everything you can about a narcissist only. Reading about and understanding narcissism is okay, as long as the majority of your attention is placed on you healing you!
It is complete fallacy that the more you know about the narcissist (without working on yourself), the safer you will be in the future regarding NOT having another one in your life.
The more focus you have on narcissists, the more likely you are to attract one, and keep yourself separated from non-narcissists.
This is an unavoidable energetic reality of Law of Attraction. Which is: What you focus your energy on is what you will attract.
Your goal is to create yourself to a vibration of truth, empowerment, love and freedom with great boundary function, and then you will no longer be a vibrational match for a narcissist.
The Purpose of the 3 Steps
If you do these steps you will reach acceptance (the real key ingredient necessary to heal) so much easier.
Do you know how we recover from painful relationship endings? The answer truly is:
I have accepted that this was not meant to work out as a true love relationship, and was in fact an experience I co-created with another individual so that I could evolve and heal.
It is your goal to reach this point, and if you focus hard on committing to these three steps you will get there quicker that what you could ever imagine.
Then you haven’t just gone through this experience, you have grown through it.
When you grow through it then you have graduated to a level where you will never have to experience the same experience again. You will reach a higher level…
I Know How It Feels
I promise you I am a girl! I know how easy it can be to feel sentimental, to miss someone, to pine for them back in your life, and to go to the old wonderful memories. I’ve done it all myself – truly I have.
I know what it is like to grant someone another chance, and then another and another – in the hope that I can have this person as the love of my life.
I know what it is like to hear through other people that this person loves you, and misses you – and how easy it is to be ‘hoovered’ back into a relationship, or how when trying to move on, and comparing what you miss about this person, feeling intensely that you want to go back to them.
I’ve been there, and felt and done all of those things.
But really this was before I had committed to these 3 steps.
When I wasn’t using these steps, I was not building up solidity within myself, and I wasn’t getting stronger and better. I was in fact feeling the powerless feelings “I need you to love me, miss me and want me back”.
Whereas when I embraced these 3 steps I became “I love myself, I need my own energy, and I am determined to heal me and come back”.
There is a massive difference…I hope this article has given you some insight and knowledge to help you maintain no contact, and recover for good!
Truly, it is up to you.