It has been documented in a book on the life of Mother Teresa lamented of her
aloneness that is the nurturing natural intimacy that routinely is feminine , and
a treasure in balance with masculine . Very difficult given the contradictions in a
life lived by many who have stories that teach , bonding in often tragic life
altering experience that unhealed can often trigger . I was not a passive Mom
I allowed an acceptable level of autonomy for each of my very individual sons
which was challenged by money, power , critics , abuses is spirit I was not equipped
to acknowledge , in large part due to unresolved , unhealed , unacknowledged rape
at age 5 by an uncle , that as I developed could not stand to be near. He was serial
rapist , as around age 8 on an overnight at the farm , I woke frightens and homesick
to catch him on top of granny ! Whew !!! That’s a lot for a young , impressionable
8 year old with a sense of things that only a few folks around me who seemed connected
and heard me . A grace that I had them.
Of course as a good girl in the eyes of Southern Baphist , I was always and forever a sinner
and faced certain hell for every error I made, I was spiritually detached but ever hopeful .
That hope was enflamed with a renewal I had never known with the glorious news of my
being with child . 2 lost angels as I know the love of the Father . The very casual detachment
steeped in shame by inherited family was a wet blanket I grew to ignore, but I only fooled
myself . My foundation always shakey was my motivation to change for the better. And I had
many precious moments that were curtailed prematurely due to judgements professed to
be the holy grail that psychiatry and their sorcery of concocted chemicals ! Eradicating
the family , has great corporate profit potential ,
I won’t go further with that , but wanted to reinterate that I have an ongoing forgiveness
and love thing going on with self that has known Heaven & Hell on Earth , and critical
judgements only point to discomfort, bordom, triggers etc, and after so many hellish
years , with a knowing that experience has taught me in my journey , everyone had a story
and the healing is indeed in acceptance that I, We are worthy of love that begins with self
love sans ego , or just enough to not be disadvanted . I knew times of self ugliness , and an
awareness of my loveliness. Self hatred was as I found a collection of barbs and abuses that
often did not bother the other person. I relived times of pain and shame and lack when in
stress and emotional turmoil and this escalated even when later in therapy , the ignorance
as in my religion left me bereft …and fodder for vulchers that I regard as axis of evil
that haven given a free pass to the person who made me less so he could be acknowledged
a the supreme being ,controller, uncle Dad who allows as a demand that my living death
is death is normal to our 3 sons and 5 grandsons and 1 granddaughter .
I have been over tested for sure but in the school of life I know no end . The shared human condition
that has adversely affected our children has been normalized even as current events point
to the fake being accepted as reality .
Narcisstic Personalites do not co parent, but counter parent, and as life does get more precious
with the passage of time , the many obsticals, distractions , trials , judgements , critics
the need to find healing modaties outside the box, and though I may not sound professional
I do have certification as an Intuitive Counclor and have had those glorious returns when
I am reminded how my “seed” planting was nurtured by the recipient . I know I’m not
everybody’s cuppa , and I acknowledge those counter oppositional folks who project
angry for whatever reason , I become their target …I realize that I have opened that up
for more test on my focus and self work, as these latest experiences are forging what I feel
may be the grace to compile my years of efforts , which I know well will speak to many .
The harm done to the Mother, via her disposal by a partner who has no concious grasp
of the consequences of his acts towards his happiness , on their children has more than reached
a groundswell , as I hope to deliver the “goods ” in May , as my new life begins and more
of a past that certain folks still like to abuse me with , speaks to triggers and healing
that avoidance does not with more time make better, mine and
land theirs though my passion is tangible , I don’t feel the knife
in my heart as I once did;acutely so .
Why, because I have surrendered to All that Is and I
acknowledge the divine plan that is recalibrating this entire
planet, and all wrongs righted in the order of universal law.
Over it? Never. But a do have new lights to my eyes , and a never ending love for
sons who chose me as their Mother Vessel , as I chose them and we deserve to be released
from a contract we did not sign, that was divisional and has no indication as of today
of any restoration .
I am not a quitter , but I am not going to be a scapegoat for anyone , ever again !
Blessed Surrender !
Blessings & Peace