Attachments Beyween Abusers; Addiction Simular To RX Addiction 

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse are confounded by the addiction they feel to the narcissist, long after the abusive relationship took a toll on their physical, mental and emotional well-being. Make no mistake: recovery from an abusive relationship can be very similar to withdrawal from drug addiction due to the biochemical bonds we may develop with our toxic ex-partners.
Understanding why we are addicted permits us recognize that our addiction is not about the merits of the narcissist, but rather the nature and severity of the trauma we’ve experienced. It enables us to detach and move forward with powerful knowledge that can propel us towards greater agency and healthier relationships than the ones we’ve experienced in the past. In addition, it challenges the victim-blaming discourse in society that prevents many abuse survivors from gaining support and validation for the traumas they’ve experienced -– validation that would actually help, not hinder, these survivors in leaving their abusive relationships.
Survivors struggle with No Contact and may suffer many relapses on the road to recovery from the psychological trauma of the relationship. Aside from the reasons I’ve proposed in this blog post on why abuse survivors stay in abusive relationships, I thought I’d explore how our own brain chemistry can lock us into this addiction to the narcissist or sociopathic partner. Some of these same biochemical bonds also make it difficult for us to detach from non-narcissistic partners as well.
1. Oxytocin.
This hormone, known famously as the “cuddle” or “love hormone,” is released during touching, orgasm and sexual intercourse; it promotes attachment and trust. It is the same hormone released by the hypothalamus that enables bonding between mother and child. During “love-bombing” and mirroring in the idealization phases with our abusive partners, it’s likely that our bond to them is quite strong as a result of this hormone. Intermittent reinforcement of positive behaviors dispersed throughout the abuse cycle (e.g. gifts, flowers, compliments, sex) ensures that we still release oxytocin even after experiencing incidents of abuse.
I’ve heard from many survivors who reminisce about the great sexual relationship they had with the narcissist, containing an electrifying sexual chemistry they feel unable to achieve with future partners. This is because charming emotional predators such as narcissists are able to mirror our deepest sexual and emotional desires, which leads to a strong sexual bond, which then, of course, releases oxytocin, and promotes even more trust and attachment. Meanwhile, the narcissist, who is usually devoid of empathy and does not form these types of close attachments, is able to move onto his or her next source of supply without much thought or remorse.
The addictive nature of oxytocin is also gendered according to Susan Kuchinskas, author of the book, The Chemistry of Connection: How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy and Love. The unfortunate fact is that estrogen promotes the effects of oxytocin bonding whereas testosterone discourages it. This makes it more difficult for females in any type of relationship to detach from the bond as quickly as men.
2. Dopamine.
The same neurotransmitter that is responsible for cocaine addiction is the same one responsible for addiction to dangerous romantic partners. According to Harvard Health, both drugs and intense, pleasurable memories trigger dopamine and create reward circuits in the brain, essentially telling the brain to “do it again.”
Dr. Helen Fisher discovered that this“frustration-attraction” experience of obstacles in a romantic relationship actually elevates feelings of love rather than eradicating them. In fact, she noted that the brain is activated in a similar way when we are in adversity-ridden relationships as they are in cocaine addicts. Toxic love is, quite literally, like a drug addiction.
Do you remember recalling the pleasurable, beautiful first moments with your narcissistic partner? The romantic dates, the sweet compliments and praise, the incredible sex – long after you two had broken up? Yeah – it’s releasing the dopamine in your brain that’s telling you to “do it again.”
The salience theory of dopamine suggests that our brain releases dopamine not just for pleasurable events but to important ones that are linked to survival. As Samantha Smithstein, Psy.d notes in “Dopamine: Why It’s So Hard to Just Say No,” dopamine doesn’t just tell the brain what feels good, it tells the brain that the brain should continue to engage in the activity in order to survive. 
Abuse survivors are unfortunately hijacked by dopamine. Abusive tactics like intermittent reinforcement works well with our dopamine system, because studies show that dopamine flows more readily when the rewards are given out on unpredictable schedule rather than predictably after conditioned cues.
So the random sweet nothings whispered to us after an incident of emotional abuse, the apologies, the pity ploys, the rare displays of tenderness during the devaluation phase, right before another incident of abuse – actually help cement this type of reward circuit rather than deter it. Combine this with powerful experiences of abuse which alert our brain to “pay attention” as well as pleasurable memories we recollect over and over again – and we’ve got ourselves a biochemical bond from hell.
3. Cortisol, Adrenaline and Norepinephrine.
Cortisol is a stress hormone, and boy, does it get released during the traumatic highs and lows of an abusive relationship. It is released by the adrenal glands in response to fear as part of the “fight or flight” mechanism. As cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine all get released in response to a perceived threat (such as the one posed by a toxic narcissist), our stress hormone system goes into overdrive and our focus on whatever has triggered that stress sharpens as a way to counteract the threat.
In addition, cortisol and oxytocin work-together to consolidate and reconsolidate fear-based memories in a way that is even more powerful and vivid than other memories. This is why our brains tend to become overly fixated on toxic people and can’t stop thinking about them.
Since we are unlikely to have a physical outlet of release when cortisol is triggered during cycles of emotional abuse, this often traps the stress within our bodies instead. As we ruminate over incidents of abuse, increased levels of cortisol lead to more and more health problems. Christopher Bergland suggests numerous ways to counteract the effects of this hormone, which include physical activity, mindfulness, meditation, laughter, music and social connectivity.
Adrenaline and norepinephrine also prepare our body for the flight or fight response, and are also culprits in biochemical reactions to our abusers. Adrenaline promotes an antidepressant effect, triggering fear and anxiety which then releases dopamine – this can cause us to become “adrenaline junkies,” addicted to the rush of vacillating between bonding and betrayal. During No Contact from a narcissistic partner, withdrawal from that “rush” can be incredibly painful.
4. Serotonin. 
Serotonin is a hormone that regulates mood; it can also help to manage obsessive thinking. When we fall in love, the serotonin levels in our body fall in a way that mimics the way they are shown to be lowered in some individuals with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Individuals with low levels of serotonin are more likely to engage in sexual behavior which then again releases dopamine and oxytocin. As you can see, the biochemicals involved all interact with each other to contribute to this vicious cycle.
This is why narcissistic abusers can dominate our brains in the early idealization phases of the relationship with their love-bombing, the excessive adoration we receive in the beginning. Imagine how this effect is compounded in the devaluation and discard phases, when, we are made to think about our narcissistic partner 24/7 due to their covert put-downs, their silent treatments, their stonewalling, their infidelity, and their sudden disappearances. We become obsessed with them not just through love, but again, through fear, through anxiety and rumination.
5. Trauma bonding. 
All of these jolts of fear and anxiety in the face of danger can reenact past traumas and create trauma bonding. Trauma bonding occurs after intense, emotional experiences with our abusers and tethers us to them, creating subconscious patterns of attachment that are very difficult to detach from. It is part of the phenomenon known as Stockholm Syndrome, in which victims of hostage become attached to their perpetrators and even defend their captors.
Although survivors of narcissistic abuse come from many different backgrounds and anyone can be a victim of narcissistic abuse, trauma bonding is even more significant for those who grow up in violent or emotionally abusive homes, and/or have had a narcissistic parent in addition to their most recent experiences with trauma and abuse.
Survivors of multiple incidents of abuse by various narcissistic individuals can further reinforce subconscious wounds they experienced in childhood in the trauma bond with their current abusers. If there has been victimization in the past, such as the experience of having to survive in an abusive household, this can lead to trauma repetition or reenactment, the root of which Gary Reece, Ph.D in his article, “The Trauma Bond,” calls “relational trauma.”
For more information on trauma bonding, please see The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships by Patrick Carnes.
It is important to understand the various types of biochemical and psychological bonds that often create attachments between abusers and their victims. Better understanding these bonds enables us to move past victim-blaming and move forward into greater understanding, compassion and support for survivors who struggle with leaving abusive relationships. We must not judge but continue to empower ourselves and others with this newfound knowledge.

Jo Sutch on Brain changes due to  NPD exposure 

The effects of psychological and narcissistic abuse come with many devastating consequences, but there are two that almost no one knows about–unless they’re a doctor or neuroscientist.
In fact, these two outcomes may be the most destructive result of emotional trauma over the long-term and is an added reason why–if you have children with a narcissistic partner–you should try to leave as soon as reasonably possible.
By now, most of us know that repeated emotional trauma leads to both PTSD and C-PTSD, which should be reason enough to leave an abusive partner. But, what many people don’t realize is that over time, these repeated emotional injuries shrink the 
hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning, while enlarging the amygdala, which houses primitive emotions such as fear, grief, guilt, envy, and shame.
Hippocampus basics
The hippocampus, which is Greek for “seahorse,” is a paired structure tucked inside each temporal lobe and shaped, in fact, like a pair of seahorses. It helps to store and release memory
. The hippocampus is especially vital to short-term memory, the retaining in mind of a piece of data for a few moments, after which it either gets transferred to permanent memory or is immediately forgotten. Learning depends on short-term memory.[1]
Further, among the many analyses that have been conducted, one in particular shows very disturbing results. In a study conducted by a team of University of New Orleans and Stanford University researchers, patients with the highest baseline .
cortisol (a stress hormone) and greater number of PTSD symptoms had the greatest decreases in hippocampal volume over time.[2].
In other words, the longer you stay with an emotionally abusive partner, the more deterioration you can expect of your hippocampus. It can be easily understood how this neurological process may enhance feelings of confusion, cognitive dissonance, and abuse amnesia in victims of narcissistic and psychopathic abuse.
Amygdala basics
Narcissists keep their victims in a constant state of anxiety and fear, which in turn causes their victims to react from his or her amygdala (or “reptilian” brain). The amygdala controls life functions such as breathing and heart rate and the basic emotions of love, hate, fear, and lust (all of which are considered “primal emotions”).
It’s also responsible for the fight or flight reaction. Victims of narcissistic abuse live in this state almost daily. Over time, the amygdalae remember the things we felt, saw, and heard each time we had a painful experience. Subliminal hints of such 
stressful events (even photos) will set off the organ’s attack or escape routines–triggering avoiding behaviors or internal turmoil[3] (another good reason to refrain from stalking your ex on social media).
Even after the toxic relationship has ended, victims suffer PTSD, C-PTSD, panic attacks, phobias, and more… due to the triggering of their primal fears by their overactive amygdalae. 
Out of these fears, targets of narcissistic abuse often engage in primitive defense mechanisms including (but not limited to):
•Denial – Victims use denial to escape dealing with painful feelings or areas of their life they don’t want to admit.
•Compartmentalization – Victims pigeonhole the abusive aspects of the relationship in order to focus on the positive aspects.
•Projection – Victims project their traits of compassion, empathy, caring, and understanding onto their abuser, when in fact, narcissists and other emotional abusers possess none of those traits.
Narcissistic abuse changes your brain
According to Goleman (2006), everything we learn, everything we read, everything we do, everything we understand, and everything we experience count on the hippocampus to function correctly. “The continual retention of memories demands a large amount of neuronal activity.
In fact, the brain’s production of new neurons and laying down connections to others takes place in the 
hippocampus” (Goleman, 2006, p. 273). Goleman also stated, “The hippocampus is especially vulnerable to ongoing emotional distress, because of the damaging effects of cortisol” (p. 273). When the body endures ongoing stress, cortisol affects the rate at which neurons are either added or subtracted from the 
hippocampus. This can have grave results on learning. When the neurons are attacked by cortisol, the hippocampus loses neurons and is reduced in size. In fact, duration of stress is almost as destructive as extreme stress.
 Goleman explained, “Cortisol stimulates the amygdala while it impairs the hippocampus, forcing our attention onto the emotions we feel, while restricting our ability to take in new information” (pp. 273-274). Goleman adds,
The neural highway for dysphoria[4] runs from the amygdala to the right side of the prefrontal cortex. As this circuitry activates, our thoughts fixate on what has triggered the distress. And as we become preoccupied, say, with worry or resentment, our mental agility sputters. 
Likewise, when we are sad activity levels in the prefrontal cortex drop and we generate fewer thoughts. Extremes of anxiety and anger on the one hand and sadness on the other push brain activity beyond its zones of effectiveness. (p. 268)[5]
But, there is hope. There are reparative activities you can do to restore and rebuild your hippocampus and stop the hijacking of your psyche by your amygdala.
What to do
Luckily, as brain scans have now shown (thanks to the magic of neuroplasticity), it is possible for the hippocampus to regrow. An effective method includes the use of EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). One recent study showed that 8 to 12 sessions of EMDR for patients with PTSD showed an average of a 6% increase in the volume of their hippocampi.[6]
EMDR is also beneficial for counteracting the hyperarousal of the amygdala, allowing the brain to more appropriately direct what needs to happen rather than remain stuck and unnecessarily trigger problematic emotions.
Other methods that have been shown to repair both the hippocampus and amygdala include:

•Guided meditation – Recent studies from Harvard University show that daily meditation can help repair the brain by actually rebuilding the brain’s gray matter. 
Study participants who spent an average of 27 minutes per day practicing “mindfulness” exercises showed a major increase in the density of the hippocampus and amygdala and associated reductions in stress, compared to a control group.
•Performing acts of kindness – simple, daily practice of altruism can dramatically alter your outlook on the world.

•EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) – helps correct the biochemical short-circuiting that occurs with chronic anxiety.

 Of course, the first course of action would be to plan and implement an exit strategy. It takes time to recover from narcissistic abuse and one short encounter can set you back enormously.

Abusers Spin 

A very common aspect of psychological abuse and manipulation is for the abuser to claim that the victim is being abusive towards them. I’ve written about the abusers “victim complex”, and “gaslighting” in this manner before.
But right now I want to address the specific scenario in which the victim snaps at the abuser. They endure and endure, they have been told that there is nothing to react to, they have been told they overreact to everything, so they are afraid to mention their hurt, and confusion, and cannot acknowledge they are being abused. 
The endure so much for so long, they snap. They scream at the abuser. Insult them. Maybe even throw in a low-blow or unfair insult. They may even physically attack, although this is very very uncommon in victims of abuse. 
The abuser jumps on this reactionary outburst. They claim it is “proof” that the victim is unstable. They claim it is “proof” that the victim is the abuser after all. They can hold it up, and hold it against the victim for as long as they can, and as hard as they can. 
They are not interested in talking things out. They are not interested in listening to why this outburst has happened. They have their “proof”, and that’s all they ever needed from the victim. They get to say things like, “YOU’RE the one who frightened ME”, and “you are an emotional time bomb” and “I have to walk on eggshells around you”, and have the victim believe it. 
While the abuser is the actual time-bomb, and the victim is frightened and walking on egg shells, but dare not admit it or bring attention to it, or has been so deeply abused they don’t even see it themselves. 
The abuser turns the roles, and paints themselves as the victim.
This leads the victim to believe they are in fact the abusive one in the relationship. They now believe they are violent and emotionally unstable, and may start describing themselves as such and seeking help for these problems. 
If they break away from the abuser, they stand no chance at all against the Smear Campaign the abuser then launches. Partially because they believe they -were- wrong. 
This does not mean that the reaction was okay. It is never okay to treat another person with violence. However, it is understandable. And it is very important to differentiate this kind of reaction with the kind of ongoing abuse that causes it.

I don’t think it’s fair to call Reactive Abuse “abuse”, because the word implies a severe violence that causes detriment to the mental and physical well being of the victim. “Reactive Abuse” almost never actually harms the true abuser it was aimed at – in fact it is often exactly what they wanted, and only bolsters their sense of self-righteousness and fuels their power over the victim. 
A good way to tell a victim who reacted to abuse, and a psychologically abusive person creating a smear campaign against a victim is their attitudes toward their own actions.
Victims will almost always be able to admit their own faults. They will know they reacted badly and did wrong. This quality is actually what the abuser uses against them in the first place to make them believe they are the ones in the wrong. Part of healing from abuse is learning to point out which of the abusers behaviors are, in fact abuse, while still acknowledging what you handled badly. (And everyone reacts badly to things when under the extreme pressure of abuse!).
Abusers will almost never admit they have ever done anything wrong at all. Their victims will be blamed for everything. They will hold every tiny thing against the victim, even things they could not possibly control, or they have never tried to talk to them about. They use social bigotries against the victim, and in their own defense. (Especially mental illness is used in this way – they believe their own illness excuses them from every wrongdoing, and their victims illness is proof they are in the wrong).
The most dangerous, most intelligent psychologically abusive people will even try to fake being able to admit their own mistakes. But they almost always get tripped up in the details, by claiming “oh I handled that badly -” but following it up with “-but only because of (something that is the victims fault after all)”.

Years later , brain injured , he recalled my words & intent! 

I’m behind in my mail and just finding this April 12 th missive , I immedietly 

called with the info he required . 











Owning the Saint & the Sinner 

It has been documented in a book on the life of Mother Teresa lamented of her

aloneness that is the nurturing natural intimacy that routinely is feminine , and

a treasure in balance with masculine . Very difficult given the contradictions in a

life lived by many who have stories that teach , bonding in often tragic life

altering experience that unhealed can often trigger . I was not a passive Mom

I allowed an acceptable level of autonomy for each of my very individual sons

which was challenged by money, power , critics , abuses is spirit I was not equipped

to acknowledge , in large part due to unresolved , unhealed , unacknowledged rape

at age 5 by an uncle , that as I developed could not stand to be near.  He was serial

rapist , as around age 8 on an overnight at the farm , I woke frightens and homesick

to catch him on top of granny ! Whew !!! That’s a lot for a young , impressionable

8 year old with a sense of things that only a few folks around me who seemed connected

and heard me .  A grace that I had them.

Of course as a good girl in the eyes of Southern Baphist , I was always and forever a sinner

and faced certain hell for every error I made, I was spiritually detached but ever hopeful .

That hope was enflamed with a renewal I had never known with the glorious news of my

being with child . 2 lost angels as I know the love of the Father . The very casual detachment

steeped in shame by inherited family was a wet blanket I grew to ignore, but I only fooled

myself . My foundation always shakey was my motivation to change for the better. And I had

many precious moments that were curtailed prematurely due to judgements professed to

be the holy grail that psychiatry and their sorcery of concocted chemicals ! Eradicating

the family , has great corporate profit potential ,

I won’t go further with that , but wanted to reinterate that I have an ongoing forgiveness

and love thing going on with self that has known Heaven & Hell on Earth , and critical

judgements only point to discomfort, bordom, triggers etc, and after so many hellish

years , with a knowing that experience has taught me in my journey , everyone had a story

and the healing is indeed in acceptance that I, We are worthy of love that begins with self

love sans ego , or just enough to not be disadvanted . I knew times of self ugliness , and an

awareness of my loveliness. Self hatred was as I found a collection of barbs and abuses that

often did not bother the other person. I relived times of pain and shame and lack when in

stress and emotional turmoil and this escalated even when later in therapy , the ignorance

as in my religion left me bereft …and fodder for vulchers that I regard as axis of evil

that haven given a free pass to the person who made me less so he could be acknowledged

a the supreme being ,controller, uncle Dad who allows as a demand that my living death

is death is normal to our 3 sons and 5 grandsons and 1 granddaughter .

I have been over tested for sure but in the school of life I know no end . The shared human condition

that has adversely affected our children has been normalized even as current events point

to the fake being accepted as reality .

Narcisstic Personalites do not co parent, but counter parent, and as life does get more precious

with the passage of time , the many obsticals, distractions , trials , judgements , critics

the need to find healing modaties outside the box, and though I may not sound professional

I do have certification as an Intuitive Counclor and have had those glorious returns when

I am reminded how my “seed” planting was nurtured by the recipient . I know I’m not

everybody’s cuppa , and I acknowledge those counter oppositional folks who project

angry for whatever reason , I become their target …I realize that I have opened that up

for more test on my focus and self work, as these latest experiences are forging  what I feel

may be the grace to compile my years of efforts , which I know well will speak to many .

The harm done to the Mother, via her disposal by a partner who has no concious grasp

of the consequences of his acts towards his happiness , on their children has more than reached

a groundswell , as I hope to deliver the “goods ” in May , as my new life begins and more

of a past that certain folks still like to abuse me with , speaks to triggers and healing

that avoidance does not with more time make better, mine and

land theirs though my passion is tangible , I don’t feel the knife

in my heart as I once did;acutely so .

Why, because I have surrendered to All that Is and  I

acknowledge the divine plan that is recalibrating this entire

planet, and all wrongs righted in the order of universal law.




Over it? Never. But a do have new lights to my eyes , and a never ending love for

sons who chose me as their Mother Vessel , as I chose them and we deserve to be released

from a contract we did not sign, that was divisional and has no indication as of today

of  any restoration .

I am not a quitter , but I am not going to be a scapegoat for anyone , ever again !

Blessed Surrender !
Blessings & Peace


Dona Luna

State of Being

…”The common Belief is peace is peace of mind. 

Yet, true peace is not obtained. It is State Of Being.

 It is not some-thing, but rather, no-thing. 
True Peace is what is Real, Who You are at the Core. 
The Heart Knows Peace Is Fullness Of Being. 
This is Perfect Peace , Joy , Love. They are not Achieved. 
They are Aspects of emptiness, and have no beginning or end. 
Emptiness has no fear, guilt or anything ‘human’ in it. 
When the human Seeks Peace in the physical world,

 He Wishes to Accept and Embrace his Own Being. 
There is nothing wrong with anything. You Live according 

to the rules and judgements of society or not. 
Anything that Feels Natural is the Fullness Of BEing.

 Recognize the difference between what Feels Right 

 & what you think .


True Love Itself is the one cause.Everything arises from It.

 Its Effects are Physical, Mental, Emotional.
You may initially associate peace with a quiet physical place, 

or fewer disturbing thoughts or emotions.
True peace is Spiritual Peace, 

Where You Transcend the world , Where …

You Know You are a Spiritual Being Playing a Human Role,

Where You See Through Illusion. 
Being here requires no protection or defending. 

Likewise, many people associate love with guilt, 

duality or limitation. 

True (Spiritual) Love is all-inclusive.

 It is not loving someone to the exclusion of anything, 
It is a Feeling of Oneness with All. It is Seeing Divine Reflection.”

 Liara Covert ❤

Energetic Division

Daily Message ~ Friday April 21, 2017
Dear Ones, many of you find it difficult to connect with others, particularly loved ones, who are residing in a different energetic space. As you have grown along your ascension journey, perhaps you have found an energetic divide between you and them that is difficult to bridge.
The first thing we want you to understand is that this is completely normal. In most partnerships there is a soul agreement that you will go first, so to speak, clearing the way for them to follow, if and when the timing is right for them to do so.
So it is common for one to take a big step forward energetically, shift into comfort in that new energy, and then the other to move along with those energies however that presents for themselves. Please remember you are anchoring that energy for them to utilize for their own forward movement, whenever that may be appropriate for them and their own soul agenda.
Most couples will stay within a certain vibrational range, where one will step forward, and the other will follow in their own time. So it is very common when there has been an influx of energy to feel a momentary disconnect. It is a cycle that you can be aware of, and start to see as normal and predictable and simply the way the energies work within your own partnership.
Does that mean there is nothing you can do to connect with others in the meantime? Absolutely not. It is not that you can’t connect, it is that you must find a new energetic middle ground to do it from.
How do you do that? It is simple, Dear Ones. Before you intend to connect with the other person, simply still yourself and invite their soul to connect with you in an energetic space that exists and is comfortable to both of you, and send your soul to meet them there.
Take a moment to feel the connection be made and then proceed with your interactions from that new space. If your communication is still not met willingly, know that you have made the connection soul to soul and it will be received that way.
Be easy with yourselves, and with others, during these intense and rapidly shifting times. Where and how you connect may change as the energies do, but your soul always knows where that connection point is, and you can use your wisdom to use that skill to create more ease and flow with your interactions with others. 
~Archangel Gabriel 

Trinity Esoterics