Your Father Created You, but he cannot distory you; Loving Toxic Dad’s from afar 


May 18, 2017 
To All the Brave Kids Who Broke up with Their Toxic Dads

You are going to be more than okay. Whether it was because of an addiction, constant excuses for not being there, an irresistible urge to put you down, an indifference or inability to give and receive love, his past, pride, selfishness, the fact that he’s weak or scared, or just the heartbreak of dealing with a man who’s broken, you did the hardest break-up that your heart will ever have to endure. You need to understand how brave you are.
He is your creator but it was his job to be much more than that. There should have been a consistent effort on his part – to nurture and shape you. To influence you with his strength, love and kindness. It was his job to teach you that people don’t leave when things get hard. That people fight for what’s worth fighting for. It was his job to be the one person in the world who would never hurt you.

A father should teach you how not to be afraid, to be open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. A father should make you feel like everything will be okay.
You didn’t give up – you realized that you can’t change people. You’ve reached your breaking point and said, screw him and all his darkness. You learned how easy it is to get broken in the effort to keep a relationship with a toxic person. You have learned that no, it is not your job. And no, it is not your fault. As the child it is the father’s job to always be there for you. 
You need to understand that he should have done his best to make you proud. To be there for your first heartbreak and your last. To help you get back up. To know you: who you love, what makes you happy, what moves you, what your dreams and passions are. To know all the depths of you – and you of him.


Your father created you, but he can never destroy you. You have realized that loving yourself means being strong enough to cut ties with him, and embracing all the gifts you have in your life.
I know that a toxic father’s power can be haunting – comfortable in its home in your bones. I know you can feel it every time you get close to someone. You’re incredibly uncomfortable letting them see your most vulnerable parts. No matter how much you love someone, you guard your heart as a way to protect yourself from any potential pain you might face. But none of that will spill out very easily. You don’t want anyone’s pity.

Your big, brave heart let go of the only man you truly ever needed when you were not done needing him. Because you know you are worth so much more than dealing with constant disappointments. You deserve so much credit that you definitely do not get enough of.
By letting go, by breaking up with your toxic father, you are fully opening yourself up to your ability to love others. Without the toxicity, there is nothing stopping you to be fearless, embrace life, and embrace yourself. Let yourself be with people who support and make you feel safe – who are worthy of your effort and love. And don’t ever be frustrated if you still love him, just be sure to love him from afar.
By AnnaBash

The Talk ; Lack Thereof Is Lethal In Our Society 

87 % of USA  women : Have Experienced Sexual HarassmentAnd that conversations about healthy sexual relationships need to start a lot earlier.

By Jenavieve Hatch

A new study has found that a vast majority of American women have experienced sexual harassment, from catcalling to unwanted touching.
Researchers at Harvard University surveyed more than 3,000 high school students and young adults between the ages of 18 and 25 in a study about healthy sexual relationships and sexual harassment prevention.
In the study, called “The Talk,” researchers discovered that 87 percent of young women have had to endure sexual harassment in its many forms. The study also found that, though most women have been sexually harassed and more than half of the men surveyed admitted to having harassed a woman before, almost half of all people surveyed “don’t see certain types of gender-based degradation and subordination as problems in our society.” 
The study connected these statistics to the greater issue of sexual violence and campus rape culture, as well as conversations that students are ― or aren’t ― having with parents and educators about healthy sexual relationships, consent, and ethical behavior. According to the study, failures in sex education, as well as lack of conversation about sexuality in the home, are leading young people astray when it comes to respectful sexual behavior.
Researchers found that 76 percent of young people haven’t had conversations with their parents about healthy sexual and romantic relationships, but that almost the same amount, 70 percent, wish that they would have. 
Danielle Lucksted, Prevention and Education Program Manager at Safe Haven Ministries in Grand Rapids, Mich., told HuffPost that young people should be engaging in conversations about respectful sex and relationships at a young age.
“To me, as a sexual and dating violence prevention educator, the ‘sex talk’ falls under a larger umbrella of talking to kids about relationships in general, and this is something that should start as early as possible,” she said. “I’m talking toddler-age. There is no age that is too early to start teaching kids about things like body boundaries, respect, asking permission, and letting them know that they can come to us (as positive adult role models) if they are ever made to feel uncomfortable.”
Lucksted also said that when these conversations don’t occur in the home or at school, young people absorb societal messages instead ― and those messages aren’t always positive or healthy. 
“The unfortunate reality is that if parents aren’t initiating conversations with their children or allowing experts to talk to their kids while at school, they are learning about sex from their television, their peers, or possibly pornography,” she said.
And the stats certainly back this up. Research has shown that abstinence-only education (in which topics of consent and healthy relationships and sexuality are left out of the conversation entirely) results in more unwanted pregnancies and STIs, and that abstinence-only attitudes can do incredible damage to survivors of sexual violence or harassment. 
As researchers in the Harvard study put it, “it is imperative that parents and sex educators proactively address healthy relationships with young people and that parents and other adults intervene when they witness degrading words or behavior. Silence can be understood as permission.” 

Snatched ; that I’m aware of  as of today.

Wooden porch Swing

Grill and full propane tank .

3 piece concrete prayer bench

Buddha statue 

Brand new hose reel 

Soaking hose

$50 hose 

Metal dog crate 

Medium Dog carrier

Small Dog Carrier

Rail Road ties 

Yard tools , rakes, hoes etc 

Fencing and metal stakes

Green cloth rug ( was inside on porch)

4  purple metal directors chairs , and 4 new cushions 

2/4 round back metal chairs 

4  5 to 10 lb raw crystals 

2 bags of road salt 

2 rebarb Tri pods to hold caste iron pots, specially made , never used

Solar lights / flood light attached to porch etc for protection 

My Dad’s ladder 

Wheel barrow

Butterfly Bush

Smoke tree

Fire Pit 

2 boxes of floating wood floor

Artificial Christmas Tree 

Iron Christmas tree stand

Numerous Grape Vine Wreaths

New un opened bottles of fish fertilizer 

4/5. 5 gallon gas cans 

2 small engine gas cans

Oil for small engine

Numerous spray paints and varnishes

Dad’s green metal cart(needs wheels) 

Small and medium metal troths

Large black animal water bowel ( heavy black plastic)

Gas logs

Collected seeds , ongoing for 10 years 

Small white dog house 

Camping grill   Plus –

2 gas for grill

Smithsonian Rock Tumbler( not used) 

Large wet vac gifted me by Carol 

2 Hens & Chicks 

At least $1000 in freezer / fridge, including medicines and misio (s)
Inside dresser. ( inside house) 5/8 brand new journals.
I could file $58 , I don’t have..currently . Being heard before same judge alone is not something I intend to subject myself to.

Those who could support me, cannot due to threatening implications from the source.

5 k expenses that are not over yet. 

A full afternoon of calling only to hear , sorry I cannot help you 

Offers of Legal Aide  I don’t qualify…. 12 years running .
Bear in mind , the harrassment

Not having hot water to shower for 96 days

Repeated physically delivered harrassments 

No paper work existed to have officers evict me  4 days into a weekend.

And no one who could helped.

Endangered ? Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ! Doesn’t matter.

No money , no place to move ? 


Sure , ask my friends how I hord .. Was trying to accumulate things for women’s 

shelter .

Took advantage ?

Hardly .

Bottom feeders do exist, as do kind folks and I happily acknowledge that I prefer

Reality and Mindfulness. 
This is not a pity party . If the sale is as predicted Memorial Day, I will be 

attending a family reunion , that I had to miss last year due to an ugly undiagnosed

Inflammatory Bowel . I missed seeing my relatives , including Aunt Mary who

passed last fall just shy of her 111 birthday.

So drop by the sale, barter the price down as it was * free bounty * 

I know a cycle begun with my ownership of property , in marriage end 

and all harassment in foundation , day to day is over . 

While I do agree there’s enough for every body on this planet, the direction 

currently is 10% wealth and the rest in abject poverty ; change the programming .

If not the example , then a warning ? 
Blessings & Peace 


Becoming the Woman I’ve wanted. By Jane Relaford Brown 

 (Finding Her Here)
I am becoming the woman I’ve wanted,

grey at the temples,

soft body, delighted,

cracked up by life

with a laugh that’s known bitter

but, past it, got better,

knows she’s a survivor-

that whatever comes,

she can outlast it.

I am becoming a deep

weathered basket.
I am becoming the woman I’ve longed for,

the motherly lover

with arms strong and tender,

the growing daughter

who blushes surprises.

I am becoming full moons

and sunrises.
I find her becoming,

this woman I’ve wanted,

who knows she’ll encompass,

who knows she’s sufficient,

knows where she’s going

and travels with passion.

Who remembers she’s precious,

but knows she’s not scarce-

who knows she is plenty,

plenty to share.
 Author: Jayne Relaford Brown

Resurrection     by Eileen Rosensteel 


~ by Eileen Rosensteel
I plucked out my wing feathers-they said I belonged on the ground.

I stopped dancing and singing-they said I had no rhythm.

I silenced myself-no one was listening.

I stitched my eyes shut-So I didn’t have to see what was happening.

I dug my own grave and lay in it-So I didn’t have to feel the pain.

So I could be at peace

In the emptiness.

There in the pit

I found my bones

In the marrow of my bones

There was strength

In the pulsing of my blood

There was rage

In my flesh-Desire

I clawed my way out of that grave

Using my strength, rage and desire.

Carefully I cut away the stitches

To see the truth

I whispered my words to myself

I started to sway and hum

To my own music

Now I am gathering feathers

Indeed , the critique that begins in unknowing or knowing 

the non acceptance in a society lately unaware , or not 

want to be involved has many detached , and at some point 

hopefully armored with “tools” , faith , goals and support , 

we rise and reclaim all the precious  , forgive and love self

dispite all challenges .

Mothering Myself;  Confronting My past was My way to overcome it.  It’s a a daily effort as a targeted “surrogot.”

“Mothering Myself”

In a society preoccupied with how best to raise a child I’m finding a need to mesh what’s best for my children with what’s necessary for a well balanced mother. I’m recognizing that ceaseless giving translates into giving yourself away. And when you give yourself away, you’re not a healthy mother and you’re not a healthy self.
So, now I’m learning to be a woman and a mother. I’m learning how to just experience my own emotions without robbing my children of their individual dignity by feeling their emotions too. I’m learning that a healthy child will have his own set of emotions and characteristics that are his alone. And, very different from mine. I’m learning the importance of honest exchanges of feelings because pretenses don’t fool children, they know their mother better than she knows herself.
I’m learning that no one overcomes her past unless she confronts it. Otherwise, her children will absorb exactly what she’s trying to overcome. I’m learning that words of wisdom fall on deaf ears if my actions contradict my deeds. Children tend to be better impersonators than listeners.
I’m learning that life is meant to be filled with as much pain as happiness and pleasure. And allowing ourselves to feel everything life has to offer is an indicator of fulfillment. I’m learning that fulfillment can’t be attained through giving myself away-but through giving to myself and sharing with others.
I’m learning that the best way to teach my children to live a fulfilling life is not by sacrificing my life. It’s through living a fulfilling life myself. I’m trying to teach my children that I have a lot to learn because I’m learning that letting go of them is the best way of holding on. -Nancy McBrine Sheehan

Attachments Beyween Abusers; Addiction Simular To RX Addiction 

Many survivors of narcissistic abuse are confounded by the addiction they feel to the narcissist, long after the abusive relationship took a toll on their physical, mental and emotional well-being. Make no mistake: recovery from an abusive relationship can be very similar to withdrawal from drug addiction due to the biochemical bonds we may develop with our toxic ex-partners.
Understanding why we are addicted permits us recognize that our addiction is not about the merits of the narcissist, but rather the nature and severity of the trauma we’ve experienced. It enables us to detach and move forward with powerful knowledge that can propel us towards greater agency and healthier relationships than the ones we’ve experienced in the past. In addition, it challenges the victim-blaming discourse in society that prevents many abuse survivors from gaining support and validation for the traumas they’ve experienced -– validation that would actually help, not hinder, these survivors in leaving their abusive relationships.
Survivors struggle with No Contact and may suffer many relapses on the road to recovery from the psychological trauma of the relationship. Aside from the reasons I’ve proposed in this blog post on why abuse survivors stay in abusive relationships, I thought I’d explore how our own brain chemistry can lock us into this addiction to the narcissist or sociopathic partner. Some of these same biochemical bonds also make it difficult for us to detach from non-narcissistic partners as well.
1. Oxytocin.
This hormone, known famously as the “cuddle” or “love hormone,” is released during touching, orgasm and sexual intercourse; it promotes attachment and trust. It is the same hormone released by the hypothalamus that enables bonding between mother and child. During “love-bombing” and mirroring in the idealization phases with our abusive partners, it’s likely that our bond to them is quite strong as a result of this hormone. Intermittent reinforcement of positive behaviors dispersed throughout the abuse cycle (e.g. gifts, flowers, compliments, sex) ensures that we still release oxytocin even after experiencing incidents of abuse.
I’ve heard from many survivors who reminisce about the great sexual relationship they had with the narcissist, containing an electrifying sexual chemistry they feel unable to achieve with future partners. This is because charming emotional predators such as narcissists are able to mirror our deepest sexual and emotional desires, which leads to a strong sexual bond, which then, of course, releases oxytocin, and promotes even more trust and attachment. Meanwhile, the narcissist, who is usually devoid of empathy and does not form these types of close attachments, is able to move onto his or her next source of supply without much thought or remorse.
The addictive nature of oxytocin is also gendered according to Susan Kuchinskas, author of the book, The Chemistry of Connection: How the Oxytocin Response Can Help You Find Trust, Intimacy and Love. The unfortunate fact is that estrogen promotes the effects of oxytocin bonding whereas testosterone discourages it. This makes it more difficult for females in any type of relationship to detach from the bond as quickly as men.
2. Dopamine.
The same neurotransmitter that is responsible for cocaine addiction is the same one responsible for addiction to dangerous romantic partners. According to Harvard Health, both drugs and intense, pleasurable memories trigger dopamine and create reward circuits in the brain, essentially telling the brain to “do it again.”
Dr. Helen Fisher discovered that this“frustration-attraction” experience of obstacles in a romantic relationship actually elevates feelings of love rather than eradicating them. In fact, she noted that the brain is activated in a similar way when we are in adversity-ridden relationships as they are in cocaine addicts. Toxic love is, quite literally, like a drug addiction.
Do you remember recalling the pleasurable, beautiful first moments with your narcissistic partner? The romantic dates, the sweet compliments and praise, the incredible sex – long after you two had broken up? Yeah – it’s releasing the dopamine in your brain that’s telling you to “do it again.”
The salience theory of dopamine suggests that our brain releases dopamine not just for pleasurable events but to important ones that are linked to survival. As Samantha Smithstein, Psy.d notes in “Dopamine: Why It’s So Hard to Just Say No,” dopamine doesn’t just tell the brain what feels good, it tells the brain that the brain should continue to engage in the activity in order to survive. 
Abuse survivors are unfortunately hijacked by dopamine. Abusive tactics like intermittent reinforcement works well with our dopamine system, because studies show that dopamine flows more readily when the rewards are given out on unpredictable schedule rather than predictably after conditioned cues.
So the random sweet nothings whispered to us after an incident of emotional abuse, the apologies, the pity ploys, the rare displays of tenderness during the devaluation phase, right before another incident of abuse – actually help cement this type of reward circuit rather than deter it. Combine this with powerful experiences of abuse which alert our brain to “pay attention” as well as pleasurable memories we recollect over and over again – and we’ve got ourselves a biochemical bond from hell.
3. Cortisol, Adrenaline and Norepinephrine.
Cortisol is a stress hormone, and boy, does it get released during the traumatic highs and lows of an abusive relationship. It is released by the adrenal glands in response to fear as part of the “fight or flight” mechanism. As cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine all get released in response to a perceived threat (such as the one posed by a toxic narcissist), our stress hormone system goes into overdrive and our focus on whatever has triggered that stress sharpens as a way to counteract the threat.
In addition, cortisol and oxytocin work-together to consolidate and reconsolidate fear-based memories in a way that is even more powerful and vivid than other memories. This is why our brains tend to become overly fixated on toxic people and can’t stop thinking about them.
Since we are unlikely to have a physical outlet of release when cortisol is triggered during cycles of emotional abuse, this often traps the stress within our bodies instead. As we ruminate over incidents of abuse, increased levels of cortisol lead to more and more health problems. Christopher Bergland suggests numerous ways to counteract the effects of this hormone, which include physical activity, mindfulness, meditation, laughter, music and social connectivity.
Adrenaline and norepinephrine also prepare our body for the flight or fight response, and are also culprits in biochemical reactions to our abusers. Adrenaline promotes an antidepressant effect, triggering fear and anxiety which then releases dopamine – this can cause us to become “adrenaline junkies,” addicted to the rush of vacillating between bonding and betrayal. During No Contact from a narcissistic partner, withdrawal from that “rush” can be incredibly painful.
4. Serotonin. 
Serotonin is a hormone that regulates mood; it can also help to manage obsessive thinking. When we fall in love, the serotonin levels in our body fall in a way that mimics the way they are shown to be lowered in some individuals with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Individuals with low levels of serotonin are more likely to engage in sexual behavior which then again releases dopamine and oxytocin. As you can see, the biochemicals involved all interact with each other to contribute to this vicious cycle.
This is why narcissistic abusers can dominate our brains in the early idealization phases of the relationship with their love-bombing, the excessive adoration we receive in the beginning. Imagine how this effect is compounded in the devaluation and discard phases, when, we are made to think about our narcissistic partner 24/7 due to their covert put-downs, their silent treatments, their stonewalling, their infidelity, and their sudden disappearances. We become obsessed with them not just through love, but again, through fear, through anxiety and rumination.
5. Trauma bonding. 
All of these jolts of fear and anxiety in the face of danger can reenact past traumas and create trauma bonding. Trauma bonding occurs after intense, emotional experiences with our abusers and tethers us to them, creating subconscious patterns of attachment that are very difficult to detach from. It is part of the phenomenon known as Stockholm Syndrome, in which victims of hostage become attached to their perpetrators and even defend their captors.
Although survivors of narcissistic abuse come from many different backgrounds and anyone can be a victim of narcissistic abuse, trauma bonding is even more significant for those who grow up in violent or emotionally abusive homes, and/or have had a narcissistic parent in addition to their most recent experiences with trauma and abuse.
Survivors of multiple incidents of abuse by various narcissistic individuals can further reinforce subconscious wounds they experienced in childhood in the trauma bond with their current abusers. If there has been victimization in the past, such as the experience of having to survive in an abusive household, this can lead to trauma repetition or reenactment, the root of which Gary Reece, Ph.D in his article, “The Trauma Bond,” calls “relational trauma.”
For more information on trauma bonding, please see The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships by Patrick Carnes.
It is important to understand the various types of biochemical and psychological bonds that often create attachments between abusers and their victims. Better understanding these bonds enables us to move past victim-blaming and move forward into greater understanding, compassion and support for survivors who struggle with leaving abusive relationships. We must not judge but continue to empower ourselves and others with this newfound knowledge.